Dear Denny

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Q. Dear Denny, my family never cooks and I want to learn how to cook for my family. How can I learn as a beginner?: A. It’s more simple yet grosser than you might think. Just pop open a can of chicken and a sleeve of saltines. For a drink, have a mug of fresh local Shallowbag Bay water, and to top it all off have a Hello Kitty Meowberry Pop Tart for dessert. All of these items are cheap and filling, and your family will quickly acknowledge you as an original thinker and a creative culinary genius.

Q. Dear Denny, I think my house is haunted and it really freaks me out. How do I make myself comfortable again in my home?: A. That’s easier than you think–just make friends with the ghost. Put some fresh flowers on your table with a sweet friendly note to your ghost about how much you want to be its friend. If this method doesn’t work, make a nice candlelit dinner and sit at your dinner table until your ghost comes. When it does finally come, say, “I’ve been expecting you.” If you have a moustache, twirl it and cackle maniacally. This will either bewitch your ghost to being your friend or scare it away.

Q. I’m generally a shy person and don’t like dancing in front of people, but a boy asked me to dance at his school and I’m sure he’ll want to dance. What do I do to make myself more comfortable?: A. I don’t like to dance in front of people myself, but I have noticed something. You can do the worst dance moves, or the best, and people around you just don’t care. Everyone’s too busy trying to impress their crush or trying to hide in the corner to see what you’re doing. The only way people might notice you is if you do Fort-night dances… Unfortunately. So dance your heart out! As long as you’re a foot apart from your date, at least according to teachers.

Q. Hey Denny, there’s a girl I like and I want to ask her out. How do I do it?: A. You could get a sign and write something witty and original on it like, “ My life would suck without you… Want to make it better?” Or you could bring her donuts with “Date Me Please! I’m Begging You!” written on them. My personal favorite is just finding somebody and asking face to face. I mean, it’s free, easy, and normal.

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